A
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey
"It's like switching your point of view. Things sometimes look complicated from one angle, but simple from another." --Achilles to the Tortoise, Gödel, Escher, Bach
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." --Joey Adams
"Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you." --Joey Adams
"A rolling eye, a roving heart." --Thomas Adams
"I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words. That's pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice." --Jeff Alexander
"California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange." --Fred Allen
"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done." --Fred Allen
"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars." --Fred Allen
"If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it." --Fred Allen
"Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure." --Fred Allen
"Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything." --Fred Allen
"I think everyone would like to have a surprise party thrown for them, but not if it's a 'surprise, I want a divorce' party, or a 'surprise, I have a new lover' party." --Ken Alwine
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark." --Henri Frederic Amiel
"In real love you want the other person's goods. In romantic love you want the other person." --Margaret Anderson
"I am a lover and have not found my thing to love." --Sherwood Anderson
"A tip for the ladies in the audience: 'Bite Me!' is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be." --Michelle Argabrite
"I don't know that the new male pattern baldness pill is such a good idea. I really don't think I could date a man with hair growing from the roof of his mouth." --Michelle Argabrite
"If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right." --Mary Kay Ash
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been." --Alan Ashley-Pitt
"To each his own love, mine for me." --Atilius
"Continence is an angelic exercise." --St. Augustine
"I like that movie where the cars and trucks come alive and drive around by themselves trying to kill people. It reminds me of the time when I went picking corn. You know, because I had the TV with me." --Brian Auten
B
"What is it, then, to have no wife But single thralidom, or souble strife?." --Francis Bacon
"I'm a has-been, a used-to-be and a was. But at one time, I was an is." --Max Baer, Jr. (Jethro Bodine on "The Beverly Hillbillies")
"It is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country and mankind its citizens." --Baha'u'llah
"Tell your secret to your servant, and you make him your master." --Nathaniel Bailey
"Love charms are temporary things if your mojo ain't total." --Toni Cade Bambara
"I leave before being left. I decide." --Brigitte Bardot
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." --Dave Barry
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." --Dave Barry
"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care." --Dave Barry
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." --Dave Barry
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." --Dave Barry
"You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' " --Dave Barry
"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Barry
"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up." --Rev. Joseph Barth
"Opinions that are well rooted should grow and change like a healthy tree." --Irving Batcheller
"There is no aphrodisiac like innocence." --Jean Baudrillard
"If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical." --Larry Baum
"I used to wonder what was beyond the edge of the universe. Then one day, during a planetarium show, I found out. I opened the door marked 'Authorized Personnel Only' and saw it: a primordial quark-gluon plasma, sprinkled with countless unmatched socks." --Larry Baum
"When all is said and done, it'll be pretty boring." --Larry Baum
"Laughter is day, and sobriety is night; a smile is the twilight that hovers gently between both, more bewitching than either." --Henry Ward Beecher
"Now comes the mystery." --Henry Ward Beecher's last words
"It needs no dictionary of quotations to remind me that the eyes are the windows of the soul." --Max Beerbohm
"Friends applaud, the comedy is over." --Ludwig von Beethoven's last words
"Music is the meditation between the intellectual and the sensuous life." --Beethoven
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her." --Ambrose Bierce
"Chastity: The most unnatural of sexual perversions." --Ambrose Bierce
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." --Smiley Blanton
"That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong." --William J. H. Boetcker
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging." --Mister Boffo
"Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Pass gas at your in-laws dinner table -- man, now your talking comedy." --Daniel Bokor
" 'The best things in life are free.' Try explaining that to an angry prostitute." --Daniel Bokor
"Isn't it amazing that South American three-banded armadillos, with three flexible joints in their shells, can roll up in a ball, while North American nine-banded, armadillos, with nine flexible joints, can't?" --Chuck Bonner
"Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't." --Chuck Bonner
"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks." --Daniel Boone
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --Elayne Boosler
"Be mysterious." --John Bouvier
"Power of Attorney doesn't really make you as powerful as an attorney. There's still a lot of stuff you can't do." --LaDonna Brown
"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be. The last of life, for which the first was made." --Robert Browning
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Love is only chatter, friends are all that matter." --Gellett Burgess
"If all the world's a stage and we are merely players, then why don't we all have Screen Actors Guild cards?" --Janne Burke
"I get a standing ovation just standing." --George Burns
"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age." --George Burns
"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere." --George Burns
"Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left." --George Burns
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years." --George Burns
"And I shall love thee still, my dear, till the seas gang dry." --Robert Burns
"A true saying it is, desire hath no rest." --Robert Burton
"Hungry dogs will eat dirty puddings." --Robert Burton