Woody Allen
"I am at two with nature."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats." --on the KKK
"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"My brain? It's my second favorite organ."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up."
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down."
"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you."
"The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion."
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered."
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."