F
"Neanderthals didn't have cars, but if they did, I bet they would have had the option of dinosaur leather seats. And they probably could've gotten around much faster, too." --Tristan Fabriani
"When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!"
--Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
"They say kids will always find Christmas presents and guns. I bet if a kid is getting a gun for Christmas, they'll find it for sure, and really fast, too." --Timothy Fenton
"Your Absence has not taught me how to be alone, it merely has shown that when together we cast a single shadow on this wall." --Doug Fetherling
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." --Robert Firth
"A mother is not a person to lean on but person to make leaning unnecessary." -- Dorothy Fisher
"If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, 'No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!' " --Jennifer A. Ford
"Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level." --Max L. Forman
"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country." --Forster
"Modesty is a Virtue, Bashfulness is a Vice." --Benjamin Franklin
"We pardon to the extent that we love." --Francois
"Do you know the saying 'whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger'? That's just a bunch of bull. This is just a lie. If you want the truth, here it is: whatever doesn't kill me makes me weaker, but, if I work on it, improve myself, and learn from it and all, that'll make me stronger, but not until I've been weakened. And there's a downside. If you don't get better, then what'll happen, you stay weak. That's when you wish you had died....." --A Friend of Mine
"Life may not be the party we expected it to be, but as long as we are here we might as well dance." --Another Friend of Mine, Ironhead
"My heart is dead, my soul is gone, why must I keep living on..." --Another Friend of Mine, Jimm Lee
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'." --Erich Fromm
"Straighten your problems out before you go to bed. That way you will wake up smiling." --Louis Fromm
"The mind is an erogenous zone." --David Frost
"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." --Robert Frost
"Beauty will not buy beef." --Thomas Fuller
"Keep the eyes wide open before marriage; and half-shut afterward." --Thomas Fuller
"Love requires Boldness, and scorns Bashfulness." --Thomas Fuller
"Though love is blind, yet 'tis not for want of eyes." --Thomas Fuller
G
"Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended." --Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Sometimes I think that this is all Death's last joke. That we're living one last dream before the lights go out." --Neil Gaiman
"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work." --Gallagher
"Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying." --Christian Furchtegott Gellert
"Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day." --Samuel Goldwyn
"Chastity is curable, if detected early." --Graffito
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." --Graffito
"If my plane crashes on the way home for the holidays, I hope the special news report interrupts a re-run of Mama's Family, 'cause I always hated that show." --Craig Goralski
"Wives in their husbands' absences grow subtler and daughters sometimes run off with the butler." --George Gordon, Lord Byron
"Husbands would never go whoring, they would stay with the ones they adore, if wives were but half alluring after the act as before." --The Greek Anthology
"I think that if my last name were Back and I had a little girl, it would be my responsibility to name her Helen." --Tim Groen
"After spending last night in jail, I came to the conclusion that the guy who coined the phrase 'cop a feel' never tried it on a real cop." --Charles Gulledge
"How come when I drop my cat, it hisses and screeches; but when I drop my baby brother, he doesn't do anything?" --David Gwilliam
H
"It was a good job, but not a great job. It taught me a lot about how I want to spend 40 years until retirement. About my values, and what's important to me. What I want to do with my life. The people I want to work with. I won't miss it very much, though -- They wanted me to wear pants every DAY." --Erik Hallberg
"He who says 'laughter is all around us' is the one being laughed at." --Yasha Harari
"Was it just me or was there some horrible sense of irony when on 'Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve', The Cherry Poppin' Daddies went after the Barenaked Ladies?" --Curt Harris
"Moonlight is sculpture." --Nathaniel Hawthorne
"Apparently, some HR managers don't appreciate having interview questions answered through interpretive dance." --Michael Hayward
"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy." --Michael Hayward
"One man's mate is another man's passion." --Eugene Healy
"My lifelong dream has always been to own a little bakery in a remote provincial French town, something small and quaint. Then I'd close all the windows, and watch pornography all day long. A man can dream, can't he?" --LeMel Hebert-Williams
"People change and forget to tell each other." --Lillian Hellman
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway
"A friend of mine goes through the bridal section of the Sunday paper looking for the dog of the week. I think that's cruel and demeaning toward women, so I look for the one who shows the most cleavage." --Dave Henry
"I found a secret old Sicilian proverb that says..." *bang, bang, bang* --Dave Henry
"I, too, would like to buy the world a Coke, but I haven't got 4 billion dollars. Plus tax." --Dave Henry
"What's the difference between stalking and overzealous admiration? I guess that's what the jury will decide at my trial next week." --Dave Henry
"Whenever someone tells me I'm barking up the wrong tree, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I get this irresistible urge to bite their pants leg." --Dave Henry
"When the boss tells you that he thinks you would be best suited for another job, I think a great comeback would be, 'Ha! Fooled you. I don't even own a suit.'" --Dave Henry
"Whoever said, 'A stitch in time saves nine,' obviously never met my Aunt Ruth, the obsessive-compulsive seamstress." --Dave Henry
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --Katharine Hepburn
"Once, in elementary school my teacher gave me a gold star. I was so excited and happy, until I had it appraised..." --Nikita Heroux
"Faults done by night will blush by day." --Robert Herrick
"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he's always asking to borrow your bass boat." --Bill Hewins
"I bet when the ancient Greeks built the Parthenon they were thinking, I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer." --Bill Hewins
"It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves." --Sir Edmund Hillary
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill
"Of all my loves the last, for hereafter I shall glow with passion for no other woman." --Horace
"Faults are thick where love is thin." --John Howell
"Follow love and it will flee; Flee love and it will follow thee." --T. Howell
"If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, you could bring me another damn 2x4. And hey -- get me a beer, willya?!" --Guy Hoyle
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words, yet cannot remain silent." --Victor Hugo
"Where do *I* want to go today? Back to bed." --Paul Hughes
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley