J
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson
"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up." --Rev. Jesse Jackson
"After my Windows 98 crashed 6 times, I ran out and got "Friend of the Robot" tattooed on my forehead, thinking the machines were rebelling and planning to kill us all. Imagine my chagrin when it just turned out to be a crappy product." --Dave James
"I'll bet the reason drag queens don't travel through time is that they get tired of being mistaken for early Presidents." --Dave James
"Since couples who are married for a long time begin to resemble one another, I think it would be wise if a little shrimpy guy married a very big and manly woman." --Dave James
"You can keep shooting holes in your television set when Kathie Lee Gifford comes on, and she'll be back week after week, smiling just as hard, no harm done. But wave a simple pocket knife at her in public and all hell breaks loose." --Dave James
"If there are two sides to every story, why do supermarket tabloids always give the benefit of the doubt to the Space Aliens?" --Doug Johnson
"I once went to a hockey game where a fight broke out. Then I went to a fight where a hockey game broke out. I figured I'd had enough excitement for a while, so I went to a baseball game." --Doug Johnson
"The glory of the day was in her face, the beauty of the night was in her eyes." --James Weldon Johnson
"Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise." --Samuel Johnson
"Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures." --Samuel Johnson
"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." --Franklin P. Jones
"Drink to me only with thine eyes and I will pledge with mine; Or leave a kiss but in the cup and I'll not look for wine." --Ben Jonson
"I sometimes think if only I'd been in the right place at the right time, I could have been a Spice Girl. But I guess that place would have to have been a sex change clinic." --Buck Joyce
K
"I suspect that the game 'Rock, Paper, Scissors, Pavement-Saw' would generally end in a tie." --Tom Kelleher
"Graduation is a funny thing. It probably helps that I went to clown college, though." --Justin E. Kerner
"I almost always look forward to... well, to avoid tripping, mostly." --Justin E.Kerner
"If you cannot catch a bird of paradise, better take a wet hen." --Nikita Khrushchev
"Champions keep playing until they get it right." --Billie Jean King
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." --Stephen King
"Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." --Henry Kissinger
"Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But most of them probably didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels." --Wade Kwon
L
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --Hedy Lamarr
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers
"Music is God's gift to man, the only art of heaven given to earth, the only art of earth we take to heaven." --Latitia Elizabeth Landon
"When I rent video tapes, sometimes they say the film has been reformatted to fit my TV. How do they know what TV I have? Is that creepy or what?" --Greg Leafe
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." --John Lehman
"I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than ever let a woman in my life." --Alan Jay Lerner
"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting." --David Letterman
"Love is the realization that one woman differs from another." --Mervyn Levy
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --Fran Lebowitz
"I'd like to put a mime in a glass box, then wave at him and act like I think he's just pretending as he struggles to get out Then I'll come back a month later and I'll say it's all a joke, and we'll shake hands and go out for a drink or something." --Simon Li
"If you're ever caught in a tornado, think you should go outside in red underwear. When that wind hits you and you start flying, start screaming, 'I'll stop this tornado!' hen when the thing finally stops spinning, he mayor or governor might think you're really Superman and give you the key to the city or an award or something." --Simon Li
"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg." --Abraham Lincoln
"I am in favor of animal rights as well as human rights. That is the way of a whole human being." --Abraham Lincoln
"If I were a fraction, my goal would be world denomination." --Chris Lipe
"You can teach an old dog new tricks, but even the brightest pupils at Obedience School rarely get fellowships." --Jim Lockwood
"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn
out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a
superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and
permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not
waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." --Jack London
(Note from AllieKat: This is my purrsonal favourite. I couldn't have said it
better myself!)
"Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare think." --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Music is the language spoke by angels." --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Every generation thinks it has the answers, and every generation is humbled by nature." --Phillip Lubin
"Beauty-a deceitful bait with a deadly hook." --John Lyly