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"If I could keep time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is to get a costume and a cool supervillain name and demand 100 million dollars or I'm putting the cap on the bottle." --Richard Marek
"If I owned a ceiling fan company, I would have a model called the 'Dion' because then you could own the Ceiling Dion fan. You got to jump on these things when the market is hot." --Richard Marek
"Once, when I was a kid, I was eating a hot-dog and my grandfather told me that he had toured the factory, and that hot dogs were made of pig lips and rectums. I thought to myself, 'That's gross! What kind of twisted bastard tours a pig lip and rectum factory?!?' " --Rich Marek
"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars." --Steve Martin
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music." --Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry
"Every day is unique. Each date comes only once and then it's gone. Which explains why I have to buy a new calendar every damn year." --Michael McCuiston
"Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life." --Michael McCuiston
"When I saw a bully picking on a little guy, I wanted to go up to that jerk and smack him around until he learned that there are people in this world that will stand up for the little guy. But what I did was laugh along with everyone else. In fact, I still chuckle when I think about it today." --Michael McCuiston
"The heart is a lonely hunter." --Carson McCullers
"Getting along with men isn't what is important. The vital knowledge is how to get along with a man, one man." --Phyllis McGinley
"Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food." --Dean McLaughlin
"Why is it that when snooty department stores put their Christmas decorations out just after the 4th of July it's "elegant foresight", but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors just think I'm tacky?" --Alisa Meadows
"Love is like war; easy to begin but very hard to stop." --H.L. Mencken
"One doesn't fall in love; one grows into love, and love grows in him." --Karl Menninger
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but people who live in stone houses can pretty much throw whatever they want." --E.G. Merten
"I love her too, but our neuroses don't match." --Arthur Miller
"Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid." --Harlan Miller
"Cholesterol Free Margarine: So if the cholesterol is free, how come the margarine isn't any cheaper?" --Bruce Mitchell
"Finding a man is like finding a job; it's easier to find one when you already have one." --Paige Mitchell
"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady." --Wilson Mizner
"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it." --Moliere
"Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean? Say no more." --Monty Python's Flying Circus
"I know not, I ask not, if guilt is in that heart, but I know that I love thee, whatever thou art." --Thomas Moore
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley
"Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions." --Spike Mulligan
"My friend lost 5 inches on the Slim Fast plan. Now he has no penis at all." --Rob Munda
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
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"Beauty is but a flower, which wrinkles will devour." --Thomas Nashe
"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch." --Ogden Nash
"I am the most anti-social person I know. But of course, I don't know anyone because I'm so anti-social." --Derek Neitzel
"If I was a baseball player, and I got hit in the head with a fastball and was dying, I wouldn't want medical attention. I'd want my lifeless, limp body flung to first base, 'cause, dammit, I earned it!" --James Nicoll
"I don't know why they give special eyeglasses to people with stigmata. You'd think they would give them special gloves instead." --Mark Niebuhr
"I used to think that workaholism and alcoholism were the same thing until they canned my ass." --Mark Niebuhr
"My friend Lee says that smoking pot makes people lazy and unmotivated. I say we kick his ass one of these days when we can get around to it." --Mark Niebuhr
"When I compliment my secretary's bottom, I know she thinks it's real funny. She never says so, and she never smiles or anything, and she pretends to get really mad, but I know she thinks it's real funny." --Mark Niebuhr
"Meat may be murder, but spinach is grand theft auto." --Eryk Nielsen
"Remember, no matter how heavy something is, you can always make it weigh more by tossing bricks on it." --Eryk Nielsen
"Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, I comfort myself by reminding myself how fortunate we are that Elton John isn't the next Messiah." --Eryk Nielsen
"Nobody but a lawyer can tell legal from illegal, and the lawyers can't tell right from wrong." --Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle, from "Oath of Fealty"
"Through dancing many maidens have been unmaidened..." --John Northbrooke
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"In love there are two things: bodies and words." --Joyce Carol Oates
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"You know the movie you're watching is a 'chick flick' if you wake up and your wife is crying." --Rick Oie
"Sometimes the giant hamster of misfortune doesn't seem to want to run on anybody's wheel but yours." --George Olson
"We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers, and sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and the world-forsakers, on whom the pale moon gleams;
We are the movers and the shakers of the world forever, it seems."
--Arthur William Edgar O'Shaughnessy
"Frivolous minds are won by trifles." --Ovid
"If you be loved, be worthy of love." --Ovid
"Refuse or not, they'll love you more for asking." --Ovid
"Venus lends deaf ears to love's deceits." --Ovid
"Whether they give or refuse, it delights women to have been asked." --Ovid
"Holidays stress me out. Do you know how difficult it is to wrap a human head?" --Kathleen Oyanadel