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"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away." --Dorothy Parker
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires." --Dorothy Parker
"The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know." --Pascal
"A word of advice: If you're going to play the shell game, be sure you don't use turtles." --Paul Paternoster
"Good thing for women I'm not God, because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead." --Paul Paternoster
"I think a good prank might be to find a color-blind bullfighter and replace his uniform with a bright red one. Of course, if he got gored by the bull, I guess that wouldn't be too funny." --Paul Paternoster
"I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they sent up the Apollo 11 crew. Because if it was, it would have been really bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant." --Paul Paternoster
"My momma told me she had eyes in the back of her head. Good thing she didn't also have a mouth there because it would be really hard to floss those back molars." --Paul Paternoster
"People question why Switzerland always remains neutral in wars. I think it's because the Swiss realize thse Army Knives would be pretty useless against heavy artillery." --Paul Paternoster
"The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off the .0056 part that's impure. I mean, who wants to wash themselves with that crap?" --Paul Paternoster
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --Maryon Pearson
"From whence do glance love's piercing darts, that make such holes into our hearts." --George Peeple
"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin; it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring." --S.J. Perelman
"I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month." --Pat Perez
"All that glitters isn't gold, but if it's attached to a bicuspid and embedded in concrete in front of your seat at the stadium, it most probably is." --Peter T.T. Perez
"I used to think that all the king's horses and all the king's men to fix one guy was a bit excessive. Then I realized they must have had a really strong union." --Marko Peric
"Wouldn't it be cool if Cruise control really did?" --Phyllis Persun
"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." --Prince Philip
"I think my paranoid schizophrenia has improved my ability to be a good ruler of my fellow Aztec citizens." --Jennifer Piatak
"Drink to me." --Pablo Picasso's last words
"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet." --Plato
"The real winners in life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better." --Barbara Pletcher
"When the candles are out, all women are fair." --Plutarch
"I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. So tell me why it should be true that I get a kick out of you?" --Cole Porter
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a little." --Porterfield
"Turn not Venus into a blinded motion, Eyes are the guides of love." --Ezra Pound
Q
> "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." --Dan Quayle
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"I love you despite your betrayals, how would I have felt had you been faithful?" --Jean Racine
"A whining lover is a sorry fool." --Alexander Ratcliff
"Desires are nourished by delays." --John Ray
"In the coldest flint there is hot fire." --John Ray
"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" --Ronald Reagan
"Love is an attempt to change a piece of the dream-world into reality." --Theodor Reik
"Love must be reinvented." --Arthur Rimbaud
" 'Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country.' Nah, I think I rather ask what my country can do for me. Maybe France, too." --Jennifer Ritzinger
"You know when you get really wasted and the next morning they say you should have a hair of the dog? Personally, I prefer a hair of a rabbit. Either that or another beer." --Jennifer Ritzinger
"Why yes -- a bulletproof vest." --James Rodges, his final request before the firing squad
"I never exaggerate. I just remember big." --Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Love is not love until love's vulnerable." --Theodore Roethke
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney
"Love is a mystery which, when solved, evaporates." --Ned Roren
"I believe what people do in the privacy of their own bedroom is their own business, unless I can somehow see it on the Internet." --Jim Rosenberg
"If someone wants to say 'word' to my mother, I hope the word is 'quiet' because my mom is so freakin' loud." --Jim Rosenberg
"I have a burning sensation when I pee. Think I should call the Fire Department?" --Jim Rosenberg
"One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey." --Jim Rosenberg
"To me, sex is a way of communicating. A way of communicating: 'Damn, that feels good!' " --Jim Rosenberg
"Regardless of the old saying, 'Step on a crack, break your mother's back', if you're really looking for results, try stepping *directly* on your Mother's back, or maybe even jumping on it." --Bob Roth
"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense." --Helen Rowland
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." --Rita Rudner
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." --Rita Rudner
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner