Terry Pratchett

"A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls."

"Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes."

"He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk."

"He was said to have the body of a twenty-five year old, although no one knew where he kept it."

"If the Creator had said, 'Let there be light' in Ankh-Morpork, he'd have gotten no further because of all the people saying 'What colour?'"

"'If you're going to suggest I try dropping twenty feet down a pitch dark tower in the hope of hitting a couple of greasy little steps which might not even still be there, you can forget it,' said Rincewind sharply.
'There is an alternative, then.'
'Out with it, man.'
'You could drop five hundred feet down a pitch black tower and hit stones which certainly are there,' said Twoflower.
Dead silence from below him. Then Rincewind said, accusingly, 'That was sarcasm.'"

"'I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!' he hissed. 'I'm afraid of grounds.'
'You mean heights,' said Conina. 'And stop being silly.' 'I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!'"

"In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs."

"It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy."

"Nanny Ogg quite liked cooking, provided there were other people around to do things like chop up the vegetables and wash the dishes afterwards."

"Of course, just because we've heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream of the sort to make your very marrow freeze in your bones doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong."

"Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder."

"'Pull me up, then,' he hinted.
'I think that might be sort of difficult,' grunted Twoflower. 'I don't actually think I can do it, in fact.'
'What are you holding on to, then?'
'You.'
'I mean besides me.'
'What do you mean, besides you?' said Twoflower."

"Rincewind is one of those people who gets in the way of his own happiness. If it was raining kisses he'd be the only person with an umbrella."

"'Students made it long ago,' said Rincewind. Handy way in and out after lights out.'
'Ah,' said Twoflower, 'I *understand*. Over the wall and out to brightly-lit taverns to drink and sing and recite poetry, yes?'
'Nearly right except for the singings and the poetry, yes,' said Rincewind."

"Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living."

"That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: 'I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?'" --from alt.fan.pratchett

"The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking."

"The druid stiffened. '*Nice?*' he said. 'A triumph of the silicon chunk, a miracle of modern masonic technology -- *nice*? 'Oh, yes,' said Twoflower, to whom sarcasm was merely a seven letter word beginning with S."

"The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight."

"The man gave a shrug which indicated that, although the world did indeed have many problems, this was one of them that was not his."

"The students were staring at her in the manner of those who have heard of the species 'female' but have never expected to get this close to one."

"The Supreme Life President of Hell wrote: What business are we in???' He thought for a bit, and then carefully wrote, underneath: 'We are in the damnation business!!!'"

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

"When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point-of-view is seldom necessary."

"You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage."

"'You're not one of us.'
'I don't think I'm one of them, either,' said Brutha. 'I'm one of mine.'"

"'You won't get away with this', said Cutwell. He thought for a bit and added, 'Well, you will probably get away with it, but you'll feel bad about it on your deathbed and you'll wish -- ' He stopped talking.

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